A letter to myself and maybe to you, my reader…
Dear Me, Dear Us,
Each year, I close the year with a sense of anticipation, anxiety, exhaustion, excitement and so many other conflicting emotions. If I listed them all, here on paper, I may have to book another therapy session! Tonight, as I sit down to write another blog entry, I find myself, instead, quietly reflecting on my most recent months and the trajectory of this whole past year.
It was a year that was almost similar to the idiom “coming of age” moments. Yet, haven’t I passed the age of coming? Of being so adult? Then, spoiler alert, deep sigh, a realization, "adulting" as it is called hurts. The mere phrase of adulting is laughable. I hate the phrase yet am guilty of use because it is so fitting. Facts, being an adult is difficult, life can be difficult. This isn’t me in my feels or negative feelings, it is just facts. As i get older, life becomes more sophisticated.
Sophisticated, because it’s a definition that resonates with me on multiple levels. Sophisticated in the sense of fashion and culture and the physical style transition I can feel myself experiencing. My age has changed my sense of being and thus, my sense of fashion. My ability to style myself in a way that designs me not defines me. The trends are no longer as emphasized. Sophisticated because my age has demanded I learn to adapt in an ever changing culture and society. Consequently, this has left me realizing, generationally, I am closer to my adult half life than fresh and newly beginning adult life! Sophisticated because my whole system of life, has become elevated, more complex. Contemplative sigh, what I can simply call sophisticated..
This isn’t a letter of nostalgia and sadness, yet, a moment of look back. I look back, embarrassed, humbled and then profoundly proud and maybe even relieved. I made it through another year without terminal regret. I look at certain moments, defining moments if you will. These moments that had hurt within friendships, work-ships, my marital relationship and overall daily hardships, Each of these moments, held certain lessons that I didn’t necessarily want to learn however the “sophistication” of where my life is at, I had to learn. I gained more than I lost. It didn’t always feel like a gain. I had to hurt to gain. I will never forget how that emotionally and physically felt. However, as difficult as this loss felt to experience, it was even more difficult to write. These moments, they are all part of this coming of age moment, That paused me. I am now in my middle life and these are specific and necessary lessons.
I see things in a way that holds me to higher level. This insight forces me to look at experiences and moments and to embrace the process. I find myself less self shaming and more self forgiving. I hear my inner dialogue accepting situations instead of denying the reality of them or denying my role in my own life. This is the coming of age moment. It does happen as an adult. It can easily be called a mid life crisis, yet this isn’t a crisis, it’s an understanding.
It is that sophistication that only age can give you. That the brutal self bullying we place upon ourselves begins to unburden us. We start to see life as complex yet compelling. I begin to reject the word drama and replace with words such as "affecting" or dare I even use "emotional". I realize that my words become much more emphasized and important. What I say and my word choice defines me. I don’t need to be verbose just succinct, specific.
My younger self, the one I hated then, yet would give up one year of hair dying and waxing or even wine to be that carefree again. The younger me that could never see beyond the moment. The 20 something that cried, partied and passed out all in the same evening. The 30 year old that cried and cried and cried some more. I am now that 40 something that still cries, still drinks, just better drinks, better wine and I am becoming what my lessons were for.
Enjoy yourself. That’s what your 20s are for. Your 30s are to learn the lessons. Your 40s are to pay for the drinks.” – Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City
I am here for this. Nothing could be more accurate.
Meghan your forever Work in Process